Ugliest Dump in The World
Ugliest Dump in The World
4 guests
2 beds
1 bath
4 guests
2 beds
1 bath
You won’t be charged yet

You'll hate it here. San Francisco is terrible. Nobody likes this city. The food is blech, the weather is awful, there are packs of wild dogs and flocks of screeching parrots coming at you from all directions.

Every street is an uphill climb both ways.

I'm being totally serious, the hills actually switch depending on which direction you go and every 45 minutes there's an earthquake that opens up the earth beneath your feet swallowing up all your friends.

Ok I made that last part up.

The space

This house is OLD. It was built in 1885 by some weirdo named William Crocker who thought victorians were pretty neat. Boy was he some sort of narcissist, he ran for mayor in 1909 and came in 3rd.

What a loser.

Nobody ever bothered ripping out all the fancy details that come with victorians so you'll be surrounded by all that bullshit, plus the guy that has owned the place for the last 20 years is some bearded guy named Merkley. He is writing about himself in the third person. He thinks people like interesting things and details so he made the apartment reflect that sort of nonsense.

Have fun rolling your eyes.

He might invite you to drink downstairs. He's "friendly" and "entertaining". Gross. He sometimes entertains pseudo "celebrities" and "artists". Luckily you don't have to have drinks with him. It's still a free country, thank goodness.

He is an idiot.

Fun times.

Guest access

It has all the stuff that studio apartments have except it has all this annoying extra space that most studio apartments don't have, it's big enough to be a one bedroom but Merkley is dumb and didn't set it up like that.

Beyond that you can access your imagination to imagine things that aren't even there so that's sorta cool.

Interaction with guests

Like I said earlier, if you wanna talk to Merkley and have a drink with him, he's a half decent talker. If you don't want him to talk and you just want to talk AT him, he's not a very good listener but he is a pretty good goer awayer.

Plus, you have your own space, he'll be downstairs, you don't even have to see him if you don't want.

If you know morse code you could tap out insults on the floor above his head. He doesn't know morse code. He is D dash U dash M dot.

Other things to note

If you need the quietest apartment in the entire world, good news, those exist somewhere else. Good luck!

This apartment has city noises, you know, on account of being in a big city on a street where cars go. A pretty busy street even, busier than many, not as busy as some.

Ever seen cars?

Some of them are cool. When this house was built there weren't any cars, just horses, If you look out the front window you'll see modern cars driving by and you can imagine them sliding around in mud and horse poop, crashing into old timey buggies and children.


No extra charge.

Wireless Internet

Extra people $49 NZD / night after 2 guests
Cleaning Fee $98 NZD
Security Deposit $493 NZD
Weekly Discount: 5%
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Sleeping arrangements
Common spaces
1 double bed, 1 sofa bed

House Rules
No smoking
No parties or events
Check in is anytime after 3PM
Check out by 12PM (noon)

Everyone is expected to behave like royalty all the time.

It won't change who you are deep down inside, but it sure is fun to pretend.

You must also acknowledge
Dog(s) live in the house


Safety features
Smoke detector
First aid kit
Fire extinguisher

2 nights minimum stay

154 Reviews

Check In
Karen User Profile
August 2017
We loved our stay! The apartment is just as described and in such a great area. We would definitely recommend and stay again!

Elenor User ProfileElenor is a superhost.
May 2016
We really enjoyed staying at Merkley's apartment. We stayed for a week and it really felt like home. Merkley was great, keeping in contact to see if there was anything we needed. The bathroom scales were useful for weighing our luggage. Really cosy place in a great area with good public transport nearby. 2 blocks away from Haight.

Natasha User Profile
October 2017
My husband and I have had an amazing time at Merkley's place, the apartment was brilliant, unique in style, close enough to see San Francisco at your pace - a wonderful introduction to the city for us as first timers - would highly recommend this place and to top it off we arrived to a stocked fridge which made us feel right at home. Amazing hosting!!

Samantha User Profile
September 2017
Can't say enough good things about our stay. Apartment was clean, artistic, and within walking distance to most of the places we wanted to go in San Francisco. We'll definitely look to book this airbnb the next time we're in town for an equally horrid time ; )

Leah User Profile
September 2017
This is a funky place to stay and Merkley is very accommodating and checked in with us multiple times to make sure we had what we needed, on top of providing some snacks in the home. It's in a nice location within walking distance of lots of great restaurants and sites, too.

Andrew User Profile
September 2017
Merkley's place is great! Central location, spacious apartment -- we would love to stay in this awful place again!

Shannon User Profile
September 2017
My boyfriend and I truly enjoyed every little detail about this ugly dump. I know we'd both love to be back. Merkley communicated clearly and made it so easy. There were extras that were appreciated and made it feel like home.

San Francisco, California, United StatesJoined in March 2014
Merkley User ProfileMerkley is a superhost.

I'm pretty fantastic.

In a good way.

Response rate: 100%
Response time: within an hour

The neighbourhood

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